This takes a lot of nerve to write. I’m proud, cocky, I have remained indifferent to everyone and everything that’s ever tried to break me but now with benediction so close I feel a crushing weight on my shoulders I’m not sure how to remove. I’m terrified, and this is why.

I’m sure you’ve all noticed my disappearance and how I’ve idled out of speaking directly to my followers and the friends I’ve made here on tumblr. In a lot of respects you guys know me better than anyone else, better than friends I’ve had since middle school. Sacrificing my shame and being open about this is necessary now, I think. It’s something I’m willing to do for my family. As any respective Supernatural fan knows family is everything and it doesn’t end in blood.

Here it goes…

When I was nine my mom married a man I’d never met before. If any of you know what it’s like to become a step child and have step siblings it’s a terrifying thing. I hadn’t ever had a real father or a masculine influence in my life… and I was apprehensive and wary of this man because he was eleven years older than my mother and I didn’t trust him.

It turns out I had good reason.

For the past fifteen years I have endured every abuse you can imagine. This man, who I won’t name out right for the sake of possibly furthering a situation that is already on eggshells, tortured me with sexual advances my entire adolescence until now. 

He’s a misogynist and takes every opportunity he can find to make my mom think her life isn’t worth anything without him, to bait her, black mail her, and manipulate her into staying with him despite her deserving much better than he could ever provide. 

In the summer of 2011 … not too long ago. He spoon fed her lies about a small town in Ohio where she’d be happier away from the coast of California where we grew up. We wound up moving there, I went with because even if I had places I could stay and people I could stay with I was not letting my eight year old brother and mother take that journey alone. 

It’s gotten worse in the seven months that we’ve been here. His verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse has hit new plateaus and now he’s branched into physical. He beat my little brother so hard for making my kitten dance (trust me, it wasn’t animal abuse) that he peed himself. This child is resilient and would have never done it unless he were truly hurt or terrified. He’s broken both of his arms and not shed a tear. He’s caring, compassionate, and artistic. He wants to be a musician or an actor when he grows up but his “father,” is teaching him to be a misogynist and racist like he is and to treat women badly and be just as violent. That this is something that is okay.

I’ve kept the secret for fifteen years, but last week after an argument in the car and threats toward me and my livelihood and after taking the back of his hand to my face something stirred in my Mom and she finally bought tickets to Vegas, where my grandparents are, for February 5th so we can finally leave.

It’s a small window of opportunity… but things aren’t that easy. The cost of living on the west coast and in California is high. I’m giving my mom every dime I make and every dime I have and it’s still not enough. Not enough with the addition of my disability (I have two different skeletomuscular diseases) or her unemployment either. 

Now her parents are telling her to stay here but I know, and she knows, that if we do he’ll find a way to manipulate his way back into the home. One that we can’t really afford without him. We need to get away. 

He brought us here to trap us, we have no one within 2300 miles and all of his family is here and they have a very Freudian way of stroking his ego and the issues he is never open with them about. He paints pictures and plays the victim and we’re stuck being accused, being called drug addicts for medication we have to take for legitimate diseases and an array of other slurs and things I won’t repeat here for the sake of triggering someone. I’ve skirted around his real crimes, especially when it comes to the treatment of myself and my mother but know that it’s bad and I’m terrified of being stuck here because the cost of living is so high that we’ll be in squalor just to out run him.

Even with accumulated thousands it’s putting us into debt. The plane tickets alone cost my entire next month’s check and I’m saving the last 95 dollars on my card so we can eat during the trip. 

If we can’t acquire a decent house or condo we’re at risk of losing my little brother in trial to him. Our animals are at risk because he’s kicked them and been abusive to them too, negligent, letting them starve to death.

In this small week long opportunity we have so much to do and it feels like an impossible goal to reach, but I’m scared… and it isn’t something I can admit easily. I wish I could fight him off if things ever did escalate but after being pinned to my bed, slapped repeatedly, and spit on before after making a stand I know I’m not strong enough to fight of a 245+ adult male. 

I don’t even know why I’m typing this. Part of me hopes someone knows something that could save us. The other part just needed to get it out.

This is the reason for my seven months of silence and my absence.